"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive." Anaïs Nin

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Thursday, July 25, 2013

"Wish Them Well and Pray for Them"

When we  traveled to Oregon a year ago this week, Fabulous Husband and I dropped in at the local clinic to visit with my dad. He was in a room with other chemotherapy patients receiving treatment.

It had been five years since we last saw each other. He did not like that I had adopted a child. He did not like that I had met a man online who was coming from Pennsylvania to Oregon to meet the rest of my family. 

He disowned me as a family member and did not want my mother to have any contact with me.

As we entered the room, I didn't recognize my father at first. I saw a man with a hat similar to the one he used to wear and thought that was him. Fabulous Husband pointed to another man. How did he know that was my dad when he had never met the man before is beyond me. I did not expect seeing my father again would bring up so many past experiences and emotions. It was hard to believe this person actually had power to make me feel inept, unwanted and unaccepted for who I was and the choices I had made for my life.

It took him a moment to recognize me. Fabulous husband stood beside me. Have I mentioned how wise my husband is? We had discussed the moment I would be seeing this particular person and my hesitation to go visit. Fabulous Husband kindly stated, "This time it will be different. You have me now."

There was comfort in knowing that we were not alone in the room. There were other patients with family and friends lounging and visiting. Dad was always on his best behavior when out in public.

I introduced him to Fabulous Husband. It didn't take long before Dad asked me, "Are you hearing better these days?"

"What?" I asked, unsure if I saw his question correctly.

He did actually ask that in front of a roomful of people. Twice.

"No. I'm deaf now."

He looked at Fabulous Husband and asked, "How do you put up with that?"

I looked at Fabulous Husband, who did not say a word, but turned and looked at me with compassion, gentleness and love.

My husband  loves me. Patiently. Kindly. Truly. Sincerely. 

What Fabulous Husband said before we traveled to Oregon was true. It WAS different. It was different simply because of his love.

I saw this posted on FaceBook recently. It speaks volumes to me. It simply says:

  "Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people just aren't capable of love and can be toxic to our lives. Sometimes we have to set up boundaries to protect ourselves. Wish them well, pray for them, and take care of yourself."


  1. What a poignant reminder that even those who SHOULD be accepting, positive, and loving, are not always that way. My own parents are less than supportive of me since I determined to make my invisible disabilities - visible.

    I'm so glad for you of your Fabulous Husband. I know many, HAPPY couples who met online. I love the Internet. Not only does it bring people with various disabilities together - people who are differently-abled in many ways, it creates new friendships, helps to disseminate information, provide avenues for advocacy, and can bring LOVE. Our lives are so different compared to our peer group who "got by" before the Internet.

    I feel badly for your dad, much as I do for those in my family who choose to not understand and instead expend energy on criticism and judgement. Cyber hug - keep on keeping on!

    1. Thank you, Denise. I appreciate your kind encouragement. The internet is truly a wonderful place with lots of support and inspirational people.. like you. :-)

  2. I am sad that your father has missed his opportunity time and time again to have a loving relationship with you. You both have missed out. I am glad you gave him yet another chance and that your Fab Hub is there to support you and love you unconditionally. Yes having acceptance and support of one makes all the difference in the world. Smile and move on. May your father realize what he is missing before it is too late.

    1. Thank you, Muchelle. My dad passed away 3 months after this visit. I was glad I had an opportunity to see him one last time, and that I wasn't alone when I did.

  3. I apologize, I spelled your name wrong, Michelle.

  4. Joyce,

    Keep doing what you are doing in life and what makes you happy as well. Glad to see that you have someone who supports you and loves you unconditionally. As for your late father, it's unfortunate that he never came to the full realization of who you are and the wonderful things that you are doing with your life.

    God Bless,

    1. Thank you, R85. I am incredibly blessed with supportive friends and family these days. Thank you for your kind words.

  5. Joyce - Your husband is golden. What a beautiful gesture of his love to back you up with your father.

    1. He truly is, Shanna, and it truly was. :-)

  6. Hi Joyce,
    I can't tell you how much I needed to see that quote:
    "Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people just aren't capable of love and can be toxic to our lives. Sometimes we have to set up boundaries to protect ourselves. Wish them well, pray for them, and take care of yourself."
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are a lovely, loving person, worthy of love. I'm so happy you found you're Fabulous Husband and am sure he feels the same.

  7. Sarah, you are so very kind. Thank you! It's interesting how a quote can come along just when we need it.